Guam for Dummies 2

wile-e-coyote

Tip 1. “Controlled explosion” is a bit of an oxymoron.

Like a “controlled” tiger, one’s ability to relish in its majesty varies depending on the standoff distance. “Intentional explosion” comes closer to the practical truth, but “explosion” remains the operative word. When you’ve rigged a sizzling time fuze to a cornucopia of explosive bric-a-brac bundled up in C4 bars worth 28,000 times your weight in boom!, it’s the explosion, not the control, that causes you to find yourself straddling the front of an ATV, straight-legged and white-knuckled, hurtling 30 mph through the jungle, knowing full well that the driver can’t see and not caring at all because catapulting into a palm tree beats the pants off of becoming fire in the hole.

Tip 2. With hearing protection: err on the side of too snug.

But cramming in foam ear buds causes discomfort! “Those babies are tight enough for me!” you think with smug satisfaction at your shrewdence (shrewd prudence), the foamy protection barely skimming your ear hole.

Be ye warned, what seems like a harmless act of shrewdence can backfire with a heavy payload of horror. Allow me to present a totally random example that definitely isn’t the voice of personal experience:

Imagine that you’re clumsily shooting your way through an assault rifle training course. Focused on targets, you don’t notice that the precariously placed ear foamies are nudging further and further out with each recoil. As you shoot rapidly amid umteen other rifle assault-artists, one fateful trigger pull causes those sacred foamies to spring free.

You, my friend, have just taken the training up a notch.

By failing to properly squish the ear buds into the ear canal, you have inadvertently transported yourself into the auditory reality of an ambush firefight. Your first shot barely even registers as a sound, the piercing sensation is so physically painful that it’s nigh impossible to process the actual sonic tone. But hearing does return, each shot louder than the last, and a few hundred blistering blasts later your fight or flight is now on spin cycle. Don’t worry, all you have to do is casually crouch down to retrieve your ear buds, which would be a cinch if only you weren’t frozen like a complete weenie.

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